Are you feeling guilty all the time? Do you feel guilty even for little things?
If you find yourself apologizing frequently for things out of your control, you may have excessive guilt. And if you feel guilty for no apparent reason, this is also a sign that your guilt is unrealistic. This likely has its roots in emotional causes beyond your control.
Fortunately, there are steps you can take to gain a healthier sense of yourself.
Anxiety and Guilt
If you struggle with anxiety, you may already sense that guilt often comes along with it.
For example, people with social anxiety frequently find themselves second-guessing everything they do and say in social interactions. They dwell on statements they made days or weeks earlier, wondering if something they said was misinterpreted. As these ruminations continue, they start to feel bad if they unintentionally offended someone. That grows into guilt—and so on.
You can see how similar situations play out frequently in the lives of those with various types of anxiety. It leads to needless emotional suffering.
But it shouldn’t be this way, and it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s vital to understand why you’re feeling guilty and to identify whether or not it’s excessive.
What Is True Guilt?
Understanding true guilt is an important first step. Authentic guilt occurs when you’ve done something intentionally to hurt someone else.
It’s behavior that doesn’t align with your values. This includes when you say one thing but do another. For example, stealing, cheating on a test, or setting someone up to fail are behaviors that could cause true guilt.
Stop the Self-Abuse
Have people close to you ever told you to stop beating yourself up? If so, chances are that you have excessive guilt. (This is also sometimes referred to as shame.)
In order to stop the self-abuse that comes from anxiety and excessive guilt, you need to give yourself new messages.
Learn to Be Assertive
People who feel guilty all the time are often people pleasers. This behavior can develop in childhood if you had demanding, perfectionistic parents. Perhaps they told you that you were a failure or rebuffed your efforts to get attention from them.
But you don’t have to try to make everyone happy. Learning to let go of unearned guilt requires that you protect your own interests. To do this, take steps to be more assertive. Tell yourself that you’re not responsible when people are disappointed in you for things that are beyond your control.
Accept Your Limitations
Learning to admit that you can’t be all things to all people is another important part of overcoming excessive guilt. This also involves letting go of any sense that you can control outcomes by being good.
Most things in life are out of our control. For example, it is not your fault if your friend spills her coffee walking up your front stairs. It’s not your fault if you can’t rearrange your schedule to pick up your sister’s grocery order.
As you accept your limitations and learn to reframe your perspective on what’s in your control and what isn’t, excessive guilt can lessen.
Believe in Your Rights
Another step in stopping the self-abuse is believing that you are just as worthy of love and importance as anyone else is. This goes along with learning to be more assertive and accepting your limitations.
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Overcoming excessive guilt is possible, but it can be a long journey of uncovering its causes. If you recognize yourself in this post, I encourage you to reach out to my office to learn more about anxiety treatment. I’ve helped guide many people out of unrealistic guilt and into a brighter understanding of themselves.